don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
