whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
