I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
