Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
