Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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