I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
