Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
