At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
