I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
