I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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