I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
