i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
