Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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