i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
