i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
