Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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