She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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