Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
