**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
