True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
