you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
