Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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