I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
