Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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