My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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