I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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