im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I love you.
Bad choice
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
