I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
