drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
