My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
