well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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