I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
