i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
