you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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