the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
