Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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