I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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