he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
