Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
