dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
