where am i from again
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
