Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
This toilet bowl is my home.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
