either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
