My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize