I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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