you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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