my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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