Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
