Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
