I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
