I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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