Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
