Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
