Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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