I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
