I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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